This blog is going to be a bit different, and probably rather long... What im going to do is, never look at hte screen, nor at anything, im just going to speak my mind. And I will never hit the backspace or delete key for any reason, no matter what. What I say, just will be said.

Background of me right now, im laying in bed, at 2am, andy is snoring away, and im listening to Switchfoot: I dare you to move.

Well, today was very strange for me. today, i sorta of had one of those dasyw where you just reflect completely on your life. sometimes people have those days whe n they are drunk, or high. but i tend to have mine when im ill. I have been sick up and down for the past week and a half, and in that week and a half alot has developed.

A new girl is sort of in the picture right now. her name is Jess, and well, here is how i got to know here: when i came up here for dinning training (laugh) i spotted her, and well, she caught me looking. hehe. well, that looking at her, and getting caught continued the whole opening week, during meetings and such, but i never got hte balls to talk to her.

The big thing about her, is IF i dated her, she would seriously be one of the first girlfriends I have dated, and had liked her, BEFORE I knew she liked me. Does that make sense? my last girlfriend, that was the case. I really wasnt attracted to her, but i guess as soon as I found out she did, i sorta fell for her too. The only two girls, I can say for dead sure, that I liked before I knew they liked me were, Katy ,... omg, i cant believe I just blanked on her last name... Ohh christ....

Song changed to Creed: My Sacrafice.

Anywho, it was during 6th grade at my middle school, before i moved to rochester. Ohh gosh, was she a cutie, I still think about her from time to time. I deffinatly miss her for sure. but the funny thing is, we held hands, that was it! well, hugged too, but I seriously didnt kiss a girl till mid-end of 9th grade. Then the other girl, would be Julia, from highschool. Deffinatly thought she was pretty, then we had one extended conversation online, and well, a relationship lead from that. Those two girls, that I dated, are the only girls I liked BEFORE knowing they liked me/dating me.

I guess, as I reflect, to the other girls I dated, it was sort of dickhead of me I suppose. But I knew the girls that I was seriously attracted to, were never to be had. You know? Im not talking about the popular girls, im talking about the girls I actually liked. Heres a example. I was a sucker for Faith.

Faith, her red hair, well, Jess, shes a red head.....

So Jess, if I dated her, would be the third girl I dated, that I seriously liked before dating. But there is some strangness in this friendship we are building. And it worries me.

Change of song, Dashboard Confessionals: Screaming Infidelities.

When I say worries me, I dont mean worries me that I wont get to date her. I mean worries me that she doesnt want to accept me as a friend. okay, os , from time ot time, I seriously, get caught looking at her, 2ft from her in awe. And wlel, she would be like "why you looking at me like that, it scares me!" And well, sometimes shes serious. So I just flat out tell her why, and that might scare her. Then her friend, Mindy, bless her soul, but she isnt helping between Jess and I to get anytime together. She leads the convos to just about her, and it sort of sucks.

And I sometimes fear that she actually is ashamed maybe, to hang out with me? or to call me, just because im older, for say.

But I do know she likes me, she told me that, last week.

Change of song; Enya - Now we are Free (Gladiator soundtrack version)

I told her, I dont want to have a girlfriend, that clings to me, doesnt allow me to go out and have guy time, and needs me to spend every waking hour of my life with her, because I will never get my school work done. Bros before Hoes, and school work before girl work.

god, i love this fucking song. I wonder what language it is in. Greek?

its now 2:30am. And im still ill, but getting over it.

I guess, im just a bit frustrated, because I do like her, I like her a lot actually. But as we talk, we find so many differences. But that can be a good thing too. You just dont want two completely different people, because they will go nuts against each other. And im scared it could get to that, or atleast, scared that she thinks it has gotten to that.

Change of song; Everclear- Wonderful

Ohh gosh, I have so much to spill, stuff that flew through my head tonight while watching October sky, and having my, 'reflect on life' phase of the night.

Well, with this whole Jess thing, im pretty sure a lot of the clouds would be cleared up, if I just got a chance to chat with her one, on one. I did have a bit of a chance the other night, but I was sick as a dog (thursday night) and I seriously, couldnt function at all. I was really hopeing to hang out with her tonight, but earlier in the evening she was hanging with a friend of hers from home, (Brent) and then her mom, and two younger sisters/brothers came to visit. They are all spending the night (yikes!) I had talked to her on the phone, seeing what was up, and she told me her mom got there a bit ago, and they were waiting on the pizza. I guess I was sort of expecting maybe a, hey, why dont you come over for a bit and visit. But maybe shes ashamed of her family, or ashamed of me?

Change of song; Five for Fighting - Superman

Jess doesnt come from the best of a family from what I take it. Her parents are split up, Dad lives in Colorado, mom lives with Jess's step dad, Rich. Rich only works 12hours a week.... And her mom has no job. jess left her car at home for her mom, so she could find a job, and start working. But, she hasnt yet. And her mom has stolen money from her, and jess has been working a lot in her life, to help pay bills...

Now I do realize I was very lucky to grow up in the household I did, where my mom could be a stay at home mom, for a good portion of my childhood, but I will never request payment from my children, to help pay for bills, or groceries. If I have to, I will work my ass off, whatever it takes. But never should money be taken from a child for such things. I can understand if the child wants to, that is different. but it should never be excepted.

Change of song; KC and Jojo - All my life

Jess is a very different life style from what I am used to. She hunts, is completly comfortable with guns, has her nose pierced, and now, has two tattoos. She wears really old, huge clothing, like, jeans, and a huge white t-shirt (vanessa in middle school) Or over that, a flannel shirt, that is well, her dads, and is just huge on her. Shes small, stands about 5'4" ish, but you know what, none of that matters to me. Because I knew she is pretty under those huge clothes.

i mean seriously, her lips, like. WHOA. her lips are like whoa....

Her eyes, gosh, green, (she hates them) but how cool is that...

Freckles, fair white skin, red hair (it used to be very long, half back length, but she grew it out for that hair donation program and got it cut today actually). So, im not too sure how long her hair is.

change of song; Maroon 5- she will be loved.

ahhh, finally, she is out of my head... but a more dwarning thought is in my head......

Have you ever felt like you seriously, wont make it in the world? that whatever you do, just isnt going to cut it? Even when it comes to you dream, that when your dream comes, and you partake in it, that you basically suck at it, or even worse. Never can reach it, just because its not possible?

I seriously, am doubting that I can achieve my dream...

What is my dream? Well, I basically have three... Here is the order, least important, to most important to me.

1) Too work for NASA

2) Too study space

3) To not be "Just another name to fade away"

I cant stress #3 enough. Seriously, does it ever dawn on you, that all these people you encounter in your life, when they die, so much for you in their history book. Okay, so they pass down a story, but that story with you in it, isnt going to last long.

Change of song; My Chemical Romance - Im not okay.

Hmmm, perfect song...

As for my major, a bunch of guys on my floor are taking aviation physics, which is a lot easier then university physics. They are all seriously having a hard time on the exams and homework. Then arjay just the same for him too. I sit and think "god, I couldnt pass chemistry the first time I took it, granted i think its going bette now, what makes me think I can take on physics? or even thermal/fluid dynamics?"

I have never been the smartest cookie out of the box... And im beginning to think I never will. I will never been that one sweet/best cookie out of the package in anything. I mean fuck, even in god damn computer games, There are atleast, 200 people better then me. In just one game. Already, Ben Ryan, who started to play the guitar after me, is already better then me.

change of song; Oasis - wonderwall

It just frustrates me so fucking much. I seriously, will never be that god damn cookie anywhere, for anything. I mean, granted, I could kill myself over studying for such things, (chemistry, physics) and accel I suppose. But seriously, what good is doing that, if your not going to actually live a life.

I suppose that sounds all like it is going right back in my face. But I mean, if you dont experience the world, then how can you ever be a good source for anything? even that number crunching asian smart kid, why would I want to trust someone that never had a life, studying books all the time, didnt play tag in the playground, didnt ever scrap his knee from trying to climb a tree. Why would I ever want to put my hands in the life of someone like that? Or trust someone like that?

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Under the Bridge

ahhh, that probably seems strange to some of you, but I dont know. wtf is it worth doing, if your not going to effect other people in your life.

Before, in reguards to "just another name to fade away", I wanted to be someone like Newton, discover some principle/law, that everyone will be effected by, for the rest of their life.

But as I come to realize that, what good is that at all to people? Are you really, HELPING people? If your ever going ot come across something like that, you certainly are just born intellegent, but then spend the rest of your life chasing after some numbers.

god, im sure none of this makes much sense, since its so damn late.

its 3am... good night..

Its the next day now, saturday, 10 minutes before 1am. I have some more information to dish out. Hopefully, if you have read all of the above, you will be reading this aswell, because I think I have figured out a bit of what is going on with Jess.

I think Jess actually has a depressive problem. I know her brother is bi-polar. And that he has been hospitalized for it a few times for it. and just recently he went in. It is possible that Jess also has such a issue. Maybe not so sivere, but something noticeable. I talked to her today, and she was very antisocial, and she said "I get to be like this about this time" which lead me to think that maybe she has seasonal depression. Or something. Well, I dont know, im just jumping to conclusions.

But, that doesnt stop me from liking her, if she has such a issue, whats the big deal? I just fucking figured out, that for as long as I can think of, I have been AVOIDING STEPING ON CRACKS... omfg, i cant believe it. When im walking, mostly outside, on sidewalks, I do what I can to not step on cracks. Seriously, I have done this for a long fucking time.

but anyways. I still like her, for who she is. Seriously, I am only skin deep with knowing her, and she is the strongest willed person I know yet. And that is so cool about her.

Now, for a complete bonus. Yesturday, she went and got her hair cut, and donated her hair to locks of love. And let me say "HOLY SHIT" She is x5 hotter now. Omg, her hair looks sort of razorblade cut, and is short. Short in the front, down to shoulder length in the back, and it naturally flares out. My word, she is beautiful with her new hair cut!

Now, I dont want to sound like im totally stupid about this girl, that I think about her every minute of my waking life. Nah, not at all. Its just what im bloggin about tonight(s).

I have been listening to music for tonights blogging too. But Its just about the same music as before, except now, its Garth Brooks - The Dance.

Im sitting on my futon right now, looking across my room, and catching my eye, on my wall, its a calendar given to me at christmas from my mom. Its a calendar of hubble images I believe. The Hubble, is a telescope named after "Edwin Hubble" A very respectable astronomer. Well, on this month, the photo is Mars. And Mars is in a bit of winter. Its southern and northern caps are are covered in frozen out CO2, and H2O (yes, water is found in the polar caps when it freezes out of the atmosphere, we know it, because we have used sensors to see it)

Well, Do you ever feel so small. Small that you never will see enough of anything, to even say it was worth living? No, this is not some suicidal comment. But think about it..... I have been lucky that I was able to have a bus trip to San Fran from Rochester mn, two bus trips to New York, from Rochester. And one tour to Europe, where I visted Hungry, Chezh, Polan, and Austria. I talked to a friend of mine, and she is going to a drag show that occurs every halloween weekend, because she has never seen anything like that before. Not even a dragqween in person. I dont think she has been to many large cities at all. The largest probably, is the Twin Cities. If even that. Im only speculating, but Im pretty sure a lot of people are worse then that. I was lucky to have those experiences around our nation and such, and I think they have increased my will to see more. But im not talking about traveling to some third world country (would be fun) but I want to see something that you usually dont see. Something that is new to people, something unseen.

I have talked about this before to people. Humans have treded over just about every inch of this planet, there isnt much new to it at all. What is so special about it. The only thing new is to look in the past. But. Out there, in space, only limited amount of people have been before, there is SO MUCH to be found! To be seen, and to be shared! Seriously, ugh! I urn to just, see, to touch, to be apart of something so grand. I mean, sure American is our home. Earth is our home. Our solar system is our home. The milky way is our home. But what from there. Where does it end? Everyone has that night where they lay in bed, maybe chatting with a friend, and contimplate space. Its so fucking big, so many questions. So many experiences to be shared. Maybe we cant learn much from our planet about the past, the future. Then maybe we can learn more from somewhere else, digging into mars, examining Venus, searching the skies, other galaxies, finding other planets in formation.

Now, im not arguing against God, or existance or such. Im just fighting for learning HOW it was created, and its mechanics. Im not searching to destroy the fact of a higher being to other people, even though im not religous, made it happen. Sure, im not forcing my beliefs of that on other people. but could you bend to think that we can learn how it was created? To go as far back as the big bang, lets just end it there for now, and let a higher power start the big bang, to unfold life (for us) And so forth.

Now, a contraversal point, please, dont respond to this, or dont read if you are uneasy about reading about other peoples thoughts on religion, and god and such.

Now, Is it not selfish/selfcentered to think that we humans, are ment for this place? that earth was made for us, and animals made for us, and so forth? I dont really care, a living being, is a living being to me. I dont feel I personally, have anything over a raccon starring into my bedroom window late at night. So I really dislike religon, in that sense, that the earth, all this, was created for us. blah blah. I dont like it like that, seems unfair.

I also think that the only reason we evolved to be the way we are, is because we were prey. Example. The reason why we got off all four limbs, were for a few reasons. To see further away, you need to be tall, or have your eyes up in the air, to see far and wide. Hence why our eyes are on top portion of your head, and why we now walk on our hind legs. We also walk on our hid legs because as we adapted to our hunters, we could see them coming, but needed to get away quickly. The best way of acceleration for us, was on two legs. We could get up and running very quickly, being out four legged prey. Then being on hind legs, we could reach higher, and grab fresh fruit to keep us healthy. Then, as we would do that, our hands adapted to the newly needed nich we needed to fill. To reach higher, we got taller, our hands grew more dexterious, because we wernt talking on them anymore. And from then having hands that could function very tidious, we were able to develop tools. So in a sense, I dont think "BAM" there we were, Adam and Eve, walking tall, and picking apples off a tree sort of thing. Blah, enough of that.

Well, its almost 2am, im going to post this, and chill, have a great night, if any of this offended you. You had the RIGHT TO NOT READ IT.

Your fault, you were warned.

-Matthew. R. Voigt "OppressioN"